BARK NOW...or forever hoe your weeds

Real Nightmare

2009-02-08T05:47:25Z

It has been a long time since I was so afraid to sleep. I think the last time was with Ryan right before leaving indy.

I wouldnt say it is coming back like it was before. But this dream I had last night has sobered me up from a completely drunken stupor at 6am after stumbling home at 1am.

They say that your biggest frustrations with people are problems that you possess yourself. However, I feel this dream was just the culmination of my biggest fear. And I am learning that ~more and more that is the Blind free will of others. i.e. When you are doing something or fighting so hard for something that you can't see how destructive it is on someone. When tensions reach beyond the point of healthy discussion to solve the problems. Damn I sound so liberal :)

Basically in the dream... I was organizing an event for the International Woman's Club here in Bratislava. (just like in real life) I got into an argument over one of the details about this event. Only in my dream, instead of just walking away, I fought with this woman, and I was pretty stern... and I got other women involved in the argument. Now the real life argument I had was over colored tissue paper. (hense the ridiculousness of this whole dream situation).

ANyway. THe continuation of my dream culminates in my being Black listed. I couldnt eat in Restaurants in Bratislava, I couldnt ride the bus, I couldnt have the friends I used to have in the club or out of the club, because EVERYONE took this womans side and basically ostracized me from the Bratislava. It painted the example of *You dont know who you are dealing with until you piss off the wrong person... *and you may never know who that is, until it is too late. ***

Now in my dream. I didnt want to appalogize over tissue paper. It totally went against my morals. However I was trying to ride the public bus, and the driver almost killed me... Literally it all reached the point where everone just wanted me dead... and if looks could kill I would have died a million times over in that dream.

My emotional roller coaster went from absolute self assurance that I was right... to Okay they will get over it and I will just be the taboo christmas bazaar bitch, but they'll get over it.... to oh my god people want me DEAD over this!

I just woke up with this creator in my chest. I couldnt breath... I immediately Texted Zwiro.... and he is so sweet that he called me... after being totally drunk himself to make sure I was okay.

He is a million bucks.

I guess the physical pain from my dream is subsiding. I am ready to shower and start my day.... I guess I haven't even updated my life too much... other than...

I am in Bratislava

I am in love with a WONDERFUL man who happens to be slovak...and that is really exciting in our relationship... But we also understand each other... and we make up for what the other person may be lacking a little. I mean I have never really been one to believe in Soul mates... and I still dont, but I do believe that you can find someone that fits with you so well that you both understand what it takes to have a happy successful relationship. Full of responsibility and happiness. Balance. Respect. Fun. ROmance.... *swoon

I am really happy that I have him... and even though were are both dirt poor right now. I dont care. I respect him... and I can't wait until we can live together....

Yaaaaay!

~End Scene~

One foot in front of the other`

2008-10-27T18:59:51Z

It is amazing how perilous things can seem one day... and menial the next.

I have been eating a lot of sugar lately. Which makes me feel good. But i am totally afraid of the looming CRASH so I just baked some Meringues for "for my father to take to work tomorrow". BUt in reality it was to fix my sugar addiction, and give Zwiro a little something tomorrow. I love that he loves it when I bake him things. Which makes me just love to bake more things.... its a beautiful cycle.

My Ass hurts and My Arms Hurt. From Both Climbing and the TONY LITTLE WORK OUT TAPE I have been doing. Its really hard. I love feeling the burn after... but this sugar craze is kind of killing all the effort I am putting in. I also havent been drinking a lot of water. I know that FOR ME. Water is the secret to weight loss. BEcause When I am drinking like 6 bottles of water a day I notice a difference really quickly.

Well that was a hole lot of nothing said. SO I am drinking my big glass of water and trying to hold myself accountable.

I did a whole lot of nothing again today. I am volunteering for the American Embassy at a Charity Bazaar, and I am coming up with all these ideas. I LOVE doing this kind of stuff. Anytime I get to be creative and put something on for the public I get SO EXCITED! I am just BALLS OUT. But there always seems to be some kind of Kill Joy that is full of negativity towards the work being done.

Why cant I get involved in something where EVERYONE is positive and enthusiastic. Like I hear stories about people working in groups like that... why cant I seem to find one. I mean.... I am pretty damn positive even to the bitter end... I dont know. OBVIOUSLY it is ME if in 21 years I havent had many MEMORABLE experiences with committees.

This Friday is Halloween, and its the FIRST Halloween that I am NOT excited about what so ever. I was invited to a party. But I dont really want to go. Even my mother is telling me to go, but.... ugh

I really cant wait for NOV. 8th.

I hope I get that JOB! That would be an answer to so many prayers.

I am ready to rock.

Laughable

2008-10-20T21:40:05Z

How is it possible:
To BE:

So alive and so dead
so enthusiatic and so apathetic
so sure and so confused
So in love and so ready to run

I am a bit of a paradox to myself

maybe someone else gets it

ITs been a long time

2008-10-20T20:53:02Z

I know there is something I should say
but how to say it.

I should have looked up the last entry to get a good laugh at where I have left the documentation of my life.

Its always a good laugh to see where I was, and how I operated. the really sad part is I think I used to be more intelligent. I think somewhere long the way while I tried to gain more confidence I substituted too much for BULLSHIT. And now I am swimming in it.

I guess I cant write enough about how disappointed in myself I am. I dont really know what happened. I for some reason have a confused smile as I write this, because somehow all I can do is laugh at what I currently am.

I guess I will shoot some affirmations out so my future self can remember something redeeming about this point in my life.
There is ONE thing I KNOW~

I am and always have been an AWESOME girlfriend. I have always been a better girlfriend than a friend. I think that is the one role I have never really had to force myself to work at. It is at the point where my life begins to unravel in all other arenas that I must break this role or be hospitalized.

The hilarious thing about this LACK OF BALANCE I have in my life is that : IF ASKED I do know all the answers. And some of the answers ARE that there is no ONE solution. I know right from wrong. I know success from failure. Though It is one thing to KNOW and another thing to ACT. Obviously an AGE OLD philosophy.

And still. I feel no more full today than yesterday.

What keeps me afloat is BEING a Girlfriend. I have quite a nack for meeting Kind, Sweet, Romantic, FAMILY guys that would give me the world if I asked for it. Being able to give care to someone who will reciprocate it is a feeling unlike any other. I love the look of christmas in their eyes if I rub their back, or make them dinner, or travel across town late at night just to say HOW WAS YOUR DAY and I LOVE YOU. I love that. When they feel loved and special. I love being the one making that possible.

But then there comes a point where the way they look at me doesnt flatter me anymore. Because I can no longer see myself the way they see me. I wonder if they are just totally blind to my apathy. And though it has almost totally consumed me It still remains my BIGGEST and Most Repulsive characteristic in anyone. As I slip deeper and deeper into this Apathetic coma fear starts to palpitate with the numbness. Now the role that I love so much become a LIFE LINE and not a Luxury.

I am so disgusted with my actions and myself that it is beginning to hurt to say, "I LOVE YOU". Its almost an insult coming from me now. But he still looks at me with such adoration and continues to tell me how UNWORTHY HE IS OF MY Being. I guess in a way the respect I had for their judgment begins to wane. Like how can you make good choices in life when you picked me to stand beside you and I am not doing anything to be proud of.

I love you.... When I can think such negative things and have so many doubts how can anyone say YES I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. The point is How can they know me enough and trust me enough when i dont feel trustworthy or stable or reliable

I dont know, are these just lines that lonely people feed to strangers to feel better about their path in life. Make someone else happy so it can make you feel better about who you are.

This is getting so Cynical. I dont mean to be. I just have a numbing head ache from YouTubing all day whilst my homework lays sprawled around me as it has for days and may for a few more. Even though I know the course deadline is around the corner and all hope seems gone. I am just not moving. Completely Frozen. And i cant quite flip the switch to be the OLD ME again. That would NEVER have let this happen.

I have a HUGE Job interview coming up in HUNGARY. It is kind of a beacon of light. I have been dreaming about this so much I can almost taste it. Its one of those fortuitous dreams similar to previous ones that have changed my life. I am filled with a suprising amount of certainty that this is my destiny....

Once again I hope Bullshit will be enough to save me. Long enough to bring me to my next adventure, and hopefully my True Self. Whom I miss. The one that was full of curiosity, life and vigor.

I want to be the person I see is possible.

Tomorrow is a new day.

On a side note. Michal and I have been together for about 6 months. I believe this will crush him more than anything he has ever known if I leave for this job. I feel like this Chapter is Ending in Slovakia and I have to leave to keep the progression of my lifes story going in the right direction. But it breaks my heart, because he is a beautiful soul that deserves the love of pure stable honesty... and that is something that I am not yet capable to give.

Just a little Confused

2008-09-11T13:15:21Z

SO ......

AHHHHH!!!!!!

I am doing it to myself... But I am a little tired of my parents meddling with my life. The trouble is... they are often right... But that means I cant make my own wrong decisions... and whatever i do... THey will have to bail me out of if I screw it up.

Fuck balls shit tits....

I am just peeved

I want to do it ALL

2008-07-22T16:30:54Z

I am SO F*ing Pumped!

I am ready to live and love and struggle and fight and run and learn and laugh and JUST LIVE.

I am so ready to go. I can do anything. I am a synic, and may be disappointed in my attempts. BUt I know I can do it if I want it!

F. YEA

AMAZING FRIENDS

2008-07-03T09:20:16Z

I would just like to take a moment, whilst i am totally Elated, to say that I have AMAZING FRIENDS HERE.

Really. These friendships are unlike anything I have ever had. I went to Veronika and Ludo's Birthday party/ MY GOING AWAY PARty.... and If was so perfect. I came home and was telling my mom about it, and I just started Crying. I have never experienced anything like this.

I am just really content.

Woo Hoo!

The Candae you knew

2008-06-18T09:32:41Z

I am amazed. Everyday. At what I am capable of.

That is not necessarily a good thing.

The person that I am likes to...... do a lot of things that are not "socially acceptable".

A lot of things I like to do are disappointing to my family and to myself.

I am still happy. "switched on". THe FOREVER entertainer. But I wear tennis shoes. T-shirts and Jeans. I love sports. I Bike, I Climb, Hike, Camp, Drink beer, PLay Pool, Procrastinate.... I am addicted to tetris. Literally addicted. Date.... people I have no future with here.... and I am totally fine with that. I am a Hair Stylist.... WTF. I complain. too much. I forget EVERYTHING. I LOSE EVERYTHING

I am really starting to realise what LITTLE work I did as a youngster. Everything I did was motivated by fun. The only REAL struggle I feel is legitimate is the one in my head... against myself. I have been listening to others encourage me. My whole life. Encourage me to be my potential. But not me.

I keep hearing Nicki and Myranda's voice. "Just be REAL" BE REAL. Its amazing to think that after 21 years I still dont know what real is.

My Nic- name in my family is. OX MO. (Oxy moron). I am nothing I am everything I am a contradiction I am an angle I am a liar.

I am a white liar.

But I am coming to terms with my "bad girl side". My mother says some pretty sharp things to me about being "devious" or a "manipulator" and a "liar".... See this used to make me feel bad, because these personifications were NEVER my intention or pre conceived ambitions.... If I WAS these things. I would not get caught so much. I am just trying to be respectful of people in my life by not telling them things I know will piss them off.... .... ...

LIke my mom HATES smoking. SHe has almost left my dad over it ... a couple times. Now.... I like smoking. Its a very social activity... plus just about everyone in europe smokes.... And.... last night I got a little drunk and left my cigarettes out... and my mother found them..... See with her... there is no "Oh you smokes, that sucks, But okay." Now there is all out hatred towards me.

FUCK BALLS. I wish I had more of a problem with it, because that is what would make my mother happy. And really... that is what makes me the most happy.... but these internal struggles...these urges I have. these things I want. I am not the product of the one person I adore and respect the most. I dont know how I came to be this way.... but I sure hope to get comfortable with how to JUST BE... soon.

I am really disappointed in myself. But at least I am starting to BE myself

TOur Director Candace

2008-06-01T18:30:28Z

Yay! A day full of official responsibilities.

I am really tired.

But strangely arroused.

I need to get myself one of those... what did I used to call it back in the day... oh yea a Boyfriend so I can guiltlessly have sex whenever I want.

Neat.

I am tired... but oddly able to get a little frisky.....

indeed

NATURAL ROCK

2008-05-26T09:30:54Z

Natural ROCK KICKS ASS!!!

I went climbing "in the nature" as they say here in Bratislava. We went just outside the city to this sweet rock face called "technisko sklu"... and it rained for first half of the morning, but then in cleared up and I climbed some REALLY hard roots. AND I CLIMBED THEM WELL!!! Rado was suprised it was my first time, which made me feel really kick ass. I also tried repelling. THat was terrifying, and I wanted to chicken out, but I didnt.... and I am glad, cause i am still alive !!! Yaaaaaay for being ALIVE!

My friend Palo from Vertigo met these people on the internet and just started climbing with them. Rado and Katka. They are AWWESOME and so nice, and speak great english, and I am just so happy to know them.

I dont know why it is that when I try to meet new people or (someone on the internet) they turn out to be total wacko's- but if my friends meet people they meet the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER!!!!

I dont quite understand what I must do to change this problem I have... or I guess "patterns" I have, but I hope I can have me success in the future.

I am really thankful that I am making great friends, climbing!!!!!!, going out on dates (that are totally paid for ... that rocks), I am happy, healthy... and I started taking my meds again... so THERE's YOUR SIGN!!!!

yaaaaaaay!

Oh yeah - my perfect day is .... walking around town, climbing, and then going out for Pizza and Beer with my friends!!!! ITS THE BEST!

WTF

2008-05-24T13:30:10Z

I spend most of my day waiting for mail that never arrives
I am so consumed with the idea that someone wants to talk to me
that I dont do anything to really talk about. Or basically brag about.
This is the age where parents want to brag about there children.
How successful and productive they are.

I used to be a pretty awesome achiever. Doing Doing.. Going GOING

ANd then 18 hit and everything went down hill. FOr the last 3 years I have just been slipping further and further down.

I am rating the scale on the occurence of modivation. I have just gotten myself into one screwed up mess to another.
At least I keep taking chances... but to be totally honest I have no idea what I am doing other than beating myself up.
BEcause if I learned something useful... today would be better than yesterday.

But I still do the same old lazy stupid shit.
My passion is dying.
That which I used to rejoyce in gives me less of a rush, or has left me completely
That which I must do is slowed by contemplation of "what if"s and "I wish"s

My parents are now starting to turn on me. And rightfully so. I am totally mooching off of them.
The sad part is I can finally identify and take responsibility for the fact that I am NOT moving at this point in my life... but I cant seem to lite a fire under my ass big enough to stay on task.

Usually my solution is to move again... and again and agian... until there is a sign. SOmething clicks. I get some message from GOD saying- Obviously this is your purpose.

I think everyone eventually will find it. And I know I will find mine, but I have no idea what is going on inside me.

That is the most frustrating of all.

And I willprobably check this entry a couple more times today. WAiting for a comment... from somone who doesnt really now me.... or has a life that is far more importatn than the up keep in LJ... but I wish somethign was different. I wish the way I am was different.

SOmehow everything came together wrong.

But when you are down and out... all you have to do it get up... and I have fallen and fallen and fallen.... but I know that I will walk soon.

SO I guess I just keep acting like a dumb ass until this wears off.

I need to get a job.

One beer wonder

2008-05-21T07:17:32Z

Every Tuesday i go to Vertigo Climbing Gym.
Then My friends and I go out for Pizza and Beer.

I am really improving, and my body is toning up like WHOA! That makes me so excited, when passion can bring about a lifestyle change. I mean I am still pretty girly and all... i love changin ma hair n' jazz, but I love all this rough and tumble shit.

I love hanging out with my friends, but last night for some reason... after the first beer I was pretty gone... but I was thirsty ... so we all ordered another round of beer... and I had a little trouble walking home.

I kept thinking that if I was in the states I would be raped by a homeless person in the park, but in SLovakia... I guess people have courtesy enough not to fuck with drunk people. Oh yea, and I guess I kind of drunk dialed Ryan. ANd maybe that wasnt very nice of me, but I wanted someone to talk to,.... and I have his number memorized....

But $50 phone calls suck... but when you gotta call you gotta call... and I did indeed HAVE to call.

SOoooooo. Yes :)

Thats it. Medication ROcks

Capture the Memories

2008-05-15T13:02:16Z

I am 21. I have already had quite a full life. Filled with coming and going, hello and goodbye, love and hate.

I live in a world very catered to my own emotional stability, but it is certainly NOT reality. I find reality to be FAR too depressing, and life can be made so much more interesting if you use your mind first before excepting the fact.

What are facts really. Sadness is NOT a fact. It is a state. Why set up shop in an emotion when you can lie to yourself to find something new. Though lies are bad... the PURSUITE of HAPPINESS has to be launched some way... and if it takes a lie to keep going... so be it.

I am not happy when I am alone. (especially at night)
I am not happy when I have to be doing school work.
I am not happy that I dont have my own REAL GROWN UP JOB full of responsability

But I am happy that I have the Kids a Vertigo. I am Glad I make enough money to play and save
I am happy I have the experiences I have. They have made me wiser and more cautious.
I love my parents, and I am blessed that at the end of the day they are ALWAYS my rock. They have been criticized by many (including myself) but those who did the finger pointing arent around to live up to their words. My parents are. THey keep me afloat and they are people worthy of emulating.

I have disappointed people- But I have taken chances
I have failed,but i have tried to push the limits
I have hidden... but I have returned to stand up, In the open, TALLER than before. Always taller.
What else can you do other than try again, and again, and again when something fails. There is only time until you are dead... so why stagnate.

I am still in my funk of dispair from this past week... but I just got the pictures from Slovensky Raj from Palo. That helped me to remember the GOOD people I can find along the way. The good memories I have had, and can have (even if they are in temporary doses).

I am blessed.
I am struggling.
I am awesome.

Dont forget that.

WOW

2008-05-05T18:30:27Z

In a Relationship WITH ______name______.

Its amazing how shocking that statement is to the EX. who is unable to share this status.

I live in Europe.

He is happy.

I am banished from Indianapolis.

DUDE. I hope I get REALLY HOT SOON. That would totally numb the shock.

I am tired of getting hit on by people 20 years older :(

On a LIGHTER NOTE- I am going to the SLOVAK PARADISE this week with friends. I dont know if I will survive. But my final moments should be fun.

Nation of Spoiled Brats...

2008-04-30T20:31:22Z

That is what AMerica has been quoted as in many of the papers and pop culture shows.

I would have to say I agree. We are. I definitly am.

I have a roof over my head.
I have my health.
I have money to train at a Rock CLimbing GYM - WHICH I LOVE
I have an education
I have had UNPARALLED experiences all over the world

By these principals... I should have nothing to bitch about. I should feel very fulfilled and happy.

But I really want to PUNCH a lot of people in the face for being such pointless douche bags.

I am full of agnst.

FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT BALLS BALLS BALLS.... I wish cussing could help :(

COME ON!!! I have some extra poundage kids

2008-04-23T06:10:38Z

SO... I am training at a rock climbing gym. FUCKIN AWESOME. But ic case I haven't mentioned before all the slovak people are like.... genetically altered to look like freakin GQ models. SO, Needless to say... I stand out :)

I am not terrible... but I did have a slovak friend tell me I would be perfect if I could lose 20 kilos... which is approximately 44 POunds (I love cultural differences :) )

ANYWHO! THe point of this story it- I lead climbed yesterday- AND I KICKED ASS!!! I mean- rarely am I one of the best, but yesterday I was CONSISTENTLY one of the best (and I even missed all of last week because .... Well BECAUSE :))

SO this group of SLovak People (who are really nice and COOL) invited me to this small cottage in eastern Slovakia to go hiking and partying... blah blah. RAD! I was so down... :)

But now I am starting to get more information bout it- and I am getting a little afraid. THis is the email I just recieved from the "tour Guide" of our group PAVEL:

Hi folks!

I can sleep very long tomorrow, so I prepared three hikes for our
trip to Slovensky raj tonight.

Trip 1: 22km 7 hours
> From 1 we'll follow blue to the 2, from there green to the 3, from 3 yellow back to the 2. From 2 we'll go by blue to the 4 and from 4 by yellow back to the 1.
>> I suggest to make this one on Saturday, because if we'll not have
enough time after celebration of Dusan's birthday :), we'll not go to
the 3 and back, which will save to us about 1 hour and 30 minutes.

Trip 2: 28,5km 8 hours
> From 1 by green to the 2. From 2 by blue to the 3. From 3 by red to the 4. From 4 by yellow to the 5. From 5 by red to the 3. From 3 by blue to the 2. From 2 by yellow to the 6. And from 6 by red back to the 1.

Trip 3: 21km 7,5 hours
> From 1 by yellow to the 2. From 2 by green to the 4. From 4 by yellow to the 5. From 5 by green to the 6. (This part we'll pass in forbidden direction. BTW: I've done it already one year ago. :) From 6 by blue to the 7. From 7 by yellow to the 6. From 6 by blue to the 7. From 7 by blue to the 8. From 8 by blue to the 3. From 3 by green to the 2. From 2 by yellow back to the 1.
>> As you can notice, we'll pass one valley in oposite direction
during this trip, so I suggest to do this one on Thursday or Friday,
because it will be much less people there.

Pavel

PS: I'm waiting for your comments. ;)

MY COMMENTS!!!- HOLY FUCK!!! IF I DIE ON THE TRAIL WHO WILL RETREIVE MY BODY!?!?!?!

But in real life- Cool :) Can't wait

UHhhhh - I hope I do not embarrass myself too bad :) I have to go do some damn lunges or crunches now :(

I guess I should document this

2008-04-21T19:36:38Z

I went to the TCK seminar.

I am screwed... nah just kidding. I will live... but TIME sucks...

I need some action. On many levels

I am having a MORMON moment....

2008-04-12T10:23:37Z

Scott Tillet
Steven Grawrock
Kammie Grawrock
Matt Stone
and Kirby Heyborne....

These people are all AWESOME! THey are all good wholesome :) Mormon Kids.

There is almost nothing I DONT like about most mormons I meet...

OH WHY CANT I JUST BELIEVE!!!!! I wanna be in the club :(

I have a head ache....

2008-04-10T18:53:30Z

I am happy. I dont know why.

Im improving.. maybe. I want to....

Want want want should should should could could could.

I am going rock climbing tomorrow. That officially makes me SUPER HAPPY! I LOVE CLIMBING! I met a REALLY cool group of people...and Tomas is Jealous :) hehehe sweet! He asked me if I wanted a boy friend... I was pretty stunned at the question.

I live my life emotionally. My family trys to encourage LOGIC to take more of a front seat.... but I cant help it... Right now... I am who I am... and I want to start something new. SOmething that is more Important.... with someone.... A friend... or a partner (in a totally penis related way).... a SOMETHING... I just realized that my subconcious is looking for it.... Even if I say I dont want it.

I am going to a Third Culture Kid Seminar on the 21st. I am SO EXCITED about this. It is really explaining a lot of my "issues"

I am going to visit a Friend that I had in Taiwan. I havent seen her for 8 years.... she lives in London now. I have never been to london. I am excited :) I cant wait to catch up... see how she turned out. Something tells me that we will laugh... A LOT! I cant wait!

I guess that is all the new news.... I still have a head ache.

WHat is forever

2008-04-06T13:38:29Z

I am finding it hard to breath again...

I started some Online dating... so see where that would take me. My main reason for doing it was to find some sort of spark in life. Something new. Well I have found some new things. One is 29 and a Swedish Satanist that works in a Candy Factory... and one is a 40 year old memorabilia Collector from MidLands England with a 15 year old son. BOth have proposed marriage within the first week of knowing each other.

Its really funny how you can go so long without ANYONE showing any sort of interest in you... and then the next minute you have numerous proposals for FOREVER. I really dont know how to handle myself in these situations....

I still love Ryan. But Something tells me that his life has already gottenen everything it needed from me. He is going to be happy. Whatever he does he is going to have a WONDERFUL and FULFILLED LIFE. I am envious of that.

I dont know... I dont want to get a big head on my shoulders, but I am sure there are a lot of people who probably think I am just LIVING THE LIFE in Europe. I Guess there is SOME basis to that... but I have no focus, no direction, and no drive. Everything is is stirring inside me... but when it comes to releasing and taking the world by storm.... I just dont know where to begin.

I could run away with some guy. Get Married. Pop out a kid. Get some Experience in some random field and possibly be happy.
I could move to NEW YORK or Chicago and Start a new life. Fresh. With people who speak english... but will probably have the government knock on my door telling me to give them half of my soul.
I could actually try to excell at college and let that led me into my next adventure... however EVERYDAY that I wake up... I just dont do it. Its not that I dont want to do it... its that when my eyes should be reading text... they are lifelessly skimming the pages and retaining next to nothing.... I have had a long talk with my eyeballs... to no avail.

Nothign feels right anymore. Nothing has felt right for a long time.

THe best feeling that I can remember is going to sleep in Ryans arms. If the world could have been still... everything would have worked out perfectly. But the world is not still. I am not Still...... who is going to move with me..... how long do I have to wait.

How does one motivate themselves.....

I need to change something.

I colored my hair red to try to inspire me... but now I just hate looking at myself. i hate for other people to look at me.

I feel like a freak of nature.

I wish this was my life

2008-03-30T10:00:54Z

I want to BE the janitor
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I am so bored I think my Brain is melting.

2008-03-26T07:46:46Z

What the hell am I doing. I should have a job. I should have something more important than being alone.

I dont know how there are people out there who are just floating. With no purpose or care. That is a depiction of hell for me. And I feel myself slipping into it.

"dear jesus- PLEASE help me to figure out What the HELL I am supposed to do.
- Thanks
Your Pal,
Candace"

Mark the date, and F*ing TIME

2008-03-24T09:09:47Z

So.... I have like the weirdest family ever. Or I am one of the weirdest people ever... and my family is completely sane.

I perfer to think of it as the first.

So - I feel like a complete Oxy Moron Created by my family.

I would like to say that

Fight Club, Pulp Fiction, Trainspotting, SLC Punk, Crash...ect These movies are pretty up there as far as creativity in expressions of a story. I am not saying that they all belong in the same category.. but I am saying that they are unique in the way that they GRAB your ATTENTION. I think these are all GREAT MOVIES.

But my family watches the same TYPE of movie over and over....

Like now for instance. Usually I am out and about. Walking around the streets of Bratislava trying to find something interesting to do...

But now my brother is in town. He has been here for a week already. I am not even shitting you when I say that ALL we have done is watched movies since he has been here. Dont get me wrong. I like movies. But Sometimes I guess I just cant see how people cant like the same movies that I like. I realize this is a curse. But I kind of thought that if you like other movies that you have to THINK about a little bit you would be able to enjoy a wide variety of things.

FUCK- I made my family watch Trainspotting... and now they all think I am some kind of drug addict sex fiend who likes to see people covered in SHit.

I want to crawl into a hole and die... Or find some new people to enjoy these fetishes with... JUST KIDDING. I really dont like drugs or Shit.

I wish

2008-03-15T09:45:59Z

The MATRIX was real

I would LOVE to be able to Plug in some knowledge anytime I needed.....

And every once in a while I couldkick some agent SMITH ass... That would be delicious.

What Happened

2008-03-14T07:16:45Z

How does it happen?

Why does it happen?

When in this going to feel better.... get better... BE BETTER?

How can I have confidence... but be completely UNCONFIDENT with where things are going.....?

I need a tall glass of JESUS.